Taking Dramatic Cloud Photos

A dramatic cloud photo.

In this blog post, I will describe, step by step, how to take a dramatic cloud photograph such as the one above. While the information contained in this post is useful and can be applied to all aspects of photography, it is important to remember that this technique produces high contrast, vivid images, so it will require a camera which is rated at $700 worth of picture taking ability or more. It is also recommended that photo creating software of at least $300 in quality be utilized. We all know that good pictures come from good cameras, but there is only so much that a camera can do. Cameras don't, for instance, produce photos that sell for millions of dollars - that is the job of photo creating software, such as Adobe Photoshop.

Since the invention of the eyeball in 1743, mankind has been enamored with the dramatic colors and textures found in the sky. While research is still in the preliminary stages, these colors, shapes, and textures are believed to be expressions of God's wrath and glory. When the sky is clear, God is pleased. When the sky is a pretty rosy pink, God is in love. When the sky looks as it does in the example picture, God is growing furiously angry. Many people attempt to take pictures of the sky as it appears in the moment - waiting for an opportune moment to capture their snapshot. The skilled artist recognizes that for a work of art to be legitimate, they must be capable of pretending that every element in the piece was a deliberate choice. This is key to being respected and achieving the ultimate goal of art - money and fame. This brings us to the very first step in capturing a dramatic cloud photograph.

Step 1: Get God's Attention

Getting God's attention can be very easy or very difficult, depending on what kind of photo you're looking for. If you want God to be sad or angry, there are a wide variety of good choices for catching his eye. If you want God to be in love or to laugh, you can't use any of the easy attention grabbers you might have otherwise had to choose from. As you will notice, the picture I have taken is one of growing wrathful anger. This is because I, like all photographers, am untalented and lazy and generally unskilled at understanding or synthesizing thought. It is inherent to our craft that we are unable to do much more than dumbly observe. After all, if we had any ability to process emotion and act appropriately, we would be real artists. But I digress.

It is not enough to simply act in a way that God would react to (as in the next step). God is hovering over billions and billions of humans. He is also tending to untold billions of little insects - finding them food and comforting them when they are cold or wet. There are specific techniques and things to remember when catching God's attention. Here are a few things you must keep in mind.

Be Outside:  Remember, God can't see through roofs - he's not Zeus for Christ's sake. If you want to get his attention you have to be outside. You're going to be taking pictures of the clouds, so chances are this wont be a problem. Just keep in mind that you can't grab God by the short hairs before leaving the house just for convenience. Also keep in mind that tall buildings or trees can make it hard for him to see you. That's why cloud pictures are generally easiest in the central plains. There are no trees or mountains or civilization, so God has a nice clear view of everything that's going on. This is also a great place to catch him in general, just because he spends a lot of time hanging out there.

Think Big:  You're trying to catch his attention. You're trying to stand out among billions of other people. For that reason, what you do has to be more impressive than what all the other people in your area are doing. Do you want God to be angry? You might need to have some gay sex or get gay married. Do you want God to cry? It might not hurt to have some heroin or a razor blade with you. Are you looking for a lovely shade of pink? Try proposing to a young virgin while out on a picnic (and if things get spicy you might just get that deep red that's so popular for sunsets). Here's an example photo that I captured after performing a $5000 wedding ceremony for my pet toy poodles.

God, you are so gay for little dogs in tuxedos and dresses.

Bright Colors and Shiny Objects:  God travels at over 200mph. Wear bright colors that clash with your surroundings. If you are on a field of green grass, wear all red. If you are in a field of yellow flowers, wear all blue. This is exactly what you bought those big reflectors for - why do you think photographers have them? White will work, but silver and gold are best for shining a little light up into God's eyes, and Gold has the added benefit of appealing to God's capitalist nature.

When In Doubt, Burnt Offering: Arson, arson, arson. Light something on fire. Fire produces smoke, which rises nearly to the Godmosphere (the layer of the atmosphere where God spends most of his time traveling). This is also an invaluable tip for night time photos that require God's participation. Any fire will work, but God seems particularly fond of burning flesh, so get out there and build yourself an alter and slaughter a cow. If you really want to get a good angry God cloud, make it a bull and scream Baal's name a few times, that really gets under his skin.

 

Step 2: Get God to React

So now you have God's attention. Job done, right? WRONG. If you keep going full tilt with the attention getting, you risk letting things get out of control. An insecure need to be in control at all times is critical to good photography, so you can't just let God spin off in some wild direction. You need to guide him, and in doing so guide the clouds. This is how you get unique and expressive formations and colors. It is also worth mentioning that if you're going for an angry sky, there is a risk you may be struck with lightning, which is the best reason of all to scale things back and start to think your way through the photographic process. It is delicate, like a dance.

 

Step 3: Take Thousands and Thousands of Snapshots

Now that you've set the stage and there is something pretty and thereby worth photographing, the traditional photographic craft begins. This blog is not meant to teach beginners how to use their camera. It is assumed that you already know how to find the automatic setting (look for the green box) and that you already know the traditional rules of composition. Since this is the first post, though, I'll mention a few tips on how to get the most out of your camera.

Find something arbitrary and put it on a thirds line, or thirds intersection. This isn't really important, because the traditional process of photography will produce so many pictures that you will randomly achieve this, but if you make sure absolutely every photograph follows the rule of thirds, you will have fewer garbage photos to sort through.

Buy as many memory cards as you can afford. There is nothing that determines the quality of a photographer's work (other than the cost of their camera and lenses) quite like their adherence to the law of probability. Take thousands of photos. Take millions. If you take a picture in every possible direction from where you stand, it is impossible for you to miss an opportunity for a photo. All photographers know and follow this rule, but it is important that when you show your photos you claim that they are the one and only singular shot that you took.

 

Step 4: Batch Process

You got God's attention, you got him to react, and now you've taken thousands of photographs. You're on the home stretch to being an artist. I edited these pictures carefully and manually (wink wink) but if you looked around google (wink wink) for filters and automations (wink wink) you should be able to figure out how to "carefully and manually" create a similar look. We all know that no photographer is capable of careful, artistic editing. After all, if we were, we would be traditional artists. But this is one of the most important subjects to be cagey about. Never let anyone know you did anything. Every photograph  you show is a straight photograph. Nothing has been edited. Everything is exactly how it appears in reality because you did nothing but take one single perfectly framed photograph with perfect settings because you are a God-like artist with your $2000 paintbrush for light. I cannot stress enough how mindlessly, arbitrarily insecure you need to be about this subject. Make the public believe that it actually matters. They know, subconsciously, that it doesn't - tricking them is our job as photographers.

All of that said, take all the photos you took of clouds and send them through a batch process to improve their quality. You spent $300 on a piece of software, be sure every photograph has $300 worth of improvements. Don't waste your time on that shit, that's for geeks and programmers, just run it through a batch process of filters.

 

Step 5: Pick Your Masterpiece

Find the photo that has the most contrast, the most color, and follows the rule of thirds. You don't have to worry about anything else. Also, keep in mind that nobody can tell the difference and they're all just pictures of the same clouds, so it really doesn't matter. If your computer is underpowered and you've spent more time than you wanted to on your "careful", "manual", "artistic" editing, just find the first picture that's got a lot of color and contrast and has some arbitrary element on a thirds intersection and call it a day.

 

Step 6: Craft Your Artspeak

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. This is what being an artist is all about. I can't really give advice, because this is the only thing that actually makes an artist unique. Your bullshit is your identity. You study other artists, you go to school, you practice endlessly - all to produce convincing and arty language that fits a style and gets you into a clique. For me, it's all about "visual metaphor" and "balance" and some eastern religion mixed in for good measure. You need people to feel like they should understand what you're saying, but you also need to confuse them. The perfect artist leaves the public feeling like they know everything when they have really been told nothing.

That yellow? That's God. The blue? That's man. Your mind = blown.

That's it! You're ready to go make your own beautiful cloud photos!

For Reference

Facetiousness is not sarcasm or satire. It is flippant but information cannot be inferred as there is no subtext. The primary benefit of reading something facetious as opposed to something sarcastic or satirical is that it reveals the context of the reader, not the context of the writer. If you are offended by a word or idea, I invite you to take them less seriously, as they are facetious, but understand if you do not wish to read any further. If you are offended by an inference, you have nobody to blame but your preconceptions, which I invite you to take joy in challenging.